Falling, not flying.

It feels as if it has been a very long time since I could say that living – let alone writing – felt like flying. Lately my days have grown ever darker. This is without doubt the worst I have ever felt, and I fear there is worse still to come. Depression is binding me in, leaving me lonely, and isolated. In the end it comes down to what a person will, or will not do, rather than what they think they can, or can’t; something I should have realised a long time ago. The price for misplaced trust. I’m paying for it now.

It is a constant struggle to maintain the appearance of things-as-normal, when I am out among people. Endlessly fending off the enquiries as to why I’ve lost so much weight – how does she do it?! doesn’t she look well?! – when the truth is that ‘well’ is the last thing I’m feeling. It is hard, horribly hard, to remember how it felt to take pleasure in anything. Writing is almost impossible. All I want to do, is hide. Vanish.

There may be some of you, reading this, who will think that I haven’t said enough. Others, that I have said too much. But I will not tell the why of my darkness, so do not ask. Yet I feel that I have to tell the fact of it, or implode. I am my darkness, and my darkness is me, and I do not know how I will get through this.


5 thoughts on “Falling, not flying.”

  1. You may feel shrouded in darkness Anna, but amongst the shadows the good people lurk waiting to guide you. Trust your instinct and step towards the light.

  2. you will get through this with the love and support of your baby bro…… can’t wait to have you here darling – we will have a lovely weekend just the two of us xxxxxx

  3. Thinking of you, sending you lots of love. “Most people” have no idea, and do say the most insesnsitive things. your sunshine will return, though I know you may not believe it now. In the meantime, if I can do anything free to help, like childcare or
    Bach remedies, you only have to ask. there.s a lot of people out there rooting for you, and thanks for sharing with us, hard though it must be.

  4. I will try not to offer platitudes because I know that makes me nuts when it’s been done to me, but I wanted you know that I have been to that place & know how absolutely terrible it is & the total apathy that comes with it. I hope that you can find your point of light that helps you find your way out. I will keep you in my thoughts & offer you a hand if you ever need one to grab hold of to help keep balance in the dark. I do hope this comes out the way I meant it to & that it does not trite.

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